


Lost in Your Mind

by KtheG



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-07-14 15:07:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16042940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KtheG/pseuds/KtheG
Summary: This is an idea I had sitting in the middle of class that I wrote real quick. It's taking some ideas from 3x2 and that elevator scene from later in the season that I can't remember the episode number of.On her way to see Ruby and Alex, Kara and Lena have an encounter in the elevator. This is my take on what might go on in the tiny, metal deathtrap.





	1. Chapter 1

The elevator doors were almost closed when you hear her call out. You inhale sharply, hoping that you would have a few more moments where you didn’t have to pretend, but alas, she makes it onto the elevator, and together, you begin the ride to the apartment to see Ruby. The first few seconds are peaceful after your hug, but when you go to talk to her, your words get stuck behind your teeth. You attempt to swallow the lump in your throat, but nothing happens and you choke on your breath. It is then that the feeling in your chest expands, wrapping its icy fingers around your heart and your lungs, concealing you in your panic. Breathing is difficult with the ache in your bones, so you place a hand on your chest, hoping to calm your racing heart. It doesn’t work, and you lose your balance with the sudden movement. The bag in your hand drops with a thud as your free hand reaches out to grab onto the railing, but her hands catch you. Your inhales are short, attempting to get air past the lump in your throat, and the exhales feel like they don’t even exist. Fingers dig into your arm, trying to keep you upright, but you don’t register them through the steel of your skin. The ground of the elevator comes at you quickly, and you sink into the cool tiles, pressing your head into the wall hard enough that you leave a dent. Her hands leave your arm and you search frantically for her face, trying to ground yourself in her eyes. You can’t see a thing through the tears, and so you search for her heartbeat, hoping that even its racing pace will calm your frayed nerves, but that just seems to make it worse. Without a connection to the outside world, you get trapped in your imagination, where your mother and aunt fight like you and Lena do.

_Astra is standing in the middle of the room, poised and ready to fight while your mother sits at her desk. You are supposed to be in bed, but shouting from your mothers office woke you and you wanted to see what was going on. Your mother is talking, but you can’t hear through the door what is being said. Astra makes a motion with her hands and your mother rolls her eyes in response. Slowly but surely, their words get louder and you are able to pick out bits and pieces._

_“You never even tried to trust me!” That voice belongs to aunt Astra._

_“You lost my trust..” Your mother speaks harshly in retaliation, but it is still quiet enough that you can’t catch her whole sentence and that bothers you. Family was supposed to trust each other. Always, no matter what, family should have trust in each other. It was then that your father came home, the sound of the front door sliding closed breaking the silence._

_“My love, what are you doing out of bed? You should be resting before your exams tomorrow,” he says in a soft voice._

_“Why are they fighting, papa?”_

_“They are just having a disagreement daughter. They are not fighting. It is nothing to concern yourself with. You head on to bed and I will be in to tell you a story.”_

The sounds of your aunt’s words ring in your head, and you realize that you never even tried to trust Lena. She did what she thought was right, and you never even let her explain, just like your mother did to Astra. You are just like your mother, and that thought sends you spiraling even further.

“I am not like her. I am not like her. I am not like her. I am not like her,” you breathe the words as quickly as you can, hoping that the universe will hear you and believe you. Your fingers are going numb and your vision is black, but your words keep flowing like a fountain. All of a sudden there is a ringing in your ears, so loud that you cover them with your hands, hoping to block out the noise. It doesn’t work, and all you can hear is the ringing, and all you can feel is the pounding of your heart in your chest. When the ringing finally stops, somebody’s voice fills the void, talking at you, trying to help you, but all you can hear is the sound of your labored breathing. It takes you back to the launch pad with your parents, before you got into your personal hell that would trap you in the sounds only you could make. Back when your mother told you to never lie to those you loved, because you would only end up hurting your family worse. Her voice fades as your pod closes but you can still hear the mantra “I should’ve told you” in your head. When those words start falling from your own mouth, you feel hands on your cheeks.

You open your eyes, hoping to see your mother, but instead, all you see is green. You slam your head back into the wall again and again, hoping to make her voice stop. There are shouts from outside of your head, and you vaguely recognize Alex’s voice mixed in with Lena’s. A hand is on your chest then, and you begin to notice the hands are everywhere; on your chest, on your face, in your own hands, and one in your hair. Alex’s hands are rough, and you recognize them almost instantly on your face and on your chest. Her pressure brings you back to yourself, but you still can’t see anything about your surroundings. Her hands that once felt grounding now overwhelm you without the ability to see her. Your name spills from their lips just like your mother spouted her “I love you” that day on the platform. There is no distinction between realities for you. First you see your mother, then you see Alex, then you see Alex and Lena wearing the color of your House with the coat of arms neatly stitched on the arms. All of a sudden, you see your mother again, this time wearing the uniform of the military guild, and then Astra in her ceremonial uniforms. Faces flash before your eyes, both from Krypton and from Earth. Names come to your mind, and you say them repeatedly in order to not forget. You don’t realize it, but you choke your syllables and your pronunciation to the point where all it sounds like is gibberish but you don’t know that. That’s what Alex will tell you later. Just like she’ll tell you that you had such a bad panic attack that you outed yourself to Lena as well as poor Ruby who had come down the hall when she heard the commotion. But for now, all you know is that the memories you are seeing are leaving your mind much too quickly; so fast that you are afraid you won’t be able to remember them, which sends you into a deeper spiral.

Thanks to the steel of your skin, you can’t feel the pressure of the floor beneath your knees, but when Alex sticks you with a needle, you feel it. Not used to the feeling, you pause and take stock of your body. Your vision is dark, your mind is moving too fast, your fingers are numb and that feeling is moving into your shoulders now, and your lungs ache in a way they haven’t since you blew out your powers and tried to climb the eight flights of stairs to your apartment. Soon enough, though, a fire like feeling makes its way through your body, willing your muscles to relax and your mind to slow. One by one, you feel the fingers gripping your heart and lungs ease, but they take their sweet time letting go. There are moments when it feels like the claws are managing to hold on, but then you feel the soothing hands on your body and the ice leaves your body completely.

Arms wrap around your body, catching you as you fall forward, unable to hold your own weight. As your muscles relax, they twitch from being held taught for so long. You keep your eyes closed, afraid to look at Lena, afraid to see her reaction to you. Despite this, Alex is able to coax your eyes open to shine a light in them to make sure you didn’t give yourself a concussion, but as soon as she’s done, you bury your face in her shoulder. You focus on your breathing, hoping to calm down faster by hearing your own lungs open and close with each breath. It only occurs to you as you’re falling asleep that Lena has to know who you are, has to realize that it’s you that’s been lying to her for years, lying to her face. There’s no way she’ll ever let you in again. You’re just lucky she hasn’t started yelling yet. It will be hard. You know that, what with the feelings you’ve been holding in for months now. That, you decide, will be a problem for another day. You can feel Alex pick you up, but you have no strength left to help her, let alone stay awake, so you give into the darkness that has been behind your eyes for a while now.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruby is adorable, Kara and Lena have a chat, memories are relived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some very very nice people asked for more, so here it is!  
> Again, all mistakes are my own, I don't own anything  
> ALSO italics are memories, bold is Kryptonian, bold italics are Kara's thoughts

When you wake up, you’re in Alex’s apartment, snuggled under her covers with a heat pack down at your feet, keeping your toes nice and warm. The apartment sounds quiet, but you know that you still have your powers, so Alex probably activated the sound proofing for you. You’re grateful, because the sounds of the city would probably send you spiraling into another panic attack. Her sheets crinkle when you turnover, rolling onto your stomach to hide your face in the pillows. You spend a few minutes just breathing, trying to understand what exactly happened earlier. It must have been the mixture of Lena, plus the feelings of loss that have been dragged back up with Reign, with a little splash of a loss of control that you’ve been feeling ever since the fall, when Psi first targeted you. You’d felt this attack coming on for a while, but you’d been hoping that seeing Alex and Ruby would have helped enough to get you through the weekend at least, enough to allow you to shut yourself into the panic room in the DEO. A few minutes into your thoughts, the door creaks, and in the silence, it sounds sharper than the sonic boom you create when you take off. You jerk your head at the sound, wanting to see who it is that is coming to console you, coming to tell you that it’s going to be alright, that you’re on Earth and not dying. Ruby wanders in with a plate of pancakes stacked high and topped in fruits and syrup. She walks slowly, afraid to break the quiet any more, but you sit up and motion for her to come quicker. A quiet laugh escapes into the room, and she hold out two forks, one for each of you. Together, the two of you demolish a stack of two dozen pancakes in minutes, the only sound in the room is the forks on the plate.

When you finish, she sets the plate to the side and begins to tell you about her day at school, about how her friends brought her a cake at lunch, hoping to cheer her up after hearing about how her mom is sick. Ruby tells you about how her friend Jason offered to walk her home, about how he invited her to the dance at the end of the month. You sit quietly, appreciating the monotonous chatter that Ruby seems more than happy to supply. Here, there is no pressure to talk or be heard. There is only support and a silent agreement that what happened in the elevator isn’t going to end their friendship, even though Ruby now knows your secret, that you’ve been lying to her for almost a year now. Her reaction gives you hope, that maybe Lena will come around eventually, even though you know she probably won’t. Ruby’s quiet voice brings you back, and you realize you’ve been holding your breath for almost a minute now, and for a human that is impossible, but for you? For you that is almost nothing. You exhale, making it dramatic and so over the top that Ruby laughs and tries to push you over. You exaggerate that movement too, and soon enough, the two of you are a pile of laughter by the time Alex walks into the room.

“I’m glad to see you’re feeling better, Kara, but I really think we should talk about what happened and why I had to sedate a Kryptonian.” You can hear the disappointment in her voice, and your smile falls almost immediately. “Do you feel like talking in English, Kryptonese or what?”

The question is simple, and you know you should talk in English, but the words are strange and the grammar always confuses you, so you slip into the more familiar language.

**“I’ve been feeling this for a long time now. Probably since Reign’s attack near Christmas. And with everything with Mon-El and then-then Psi way back in the fall and then Lena and her Kryptonite that I’m not actually mad about I’m just upset that she didn’t tell anybody, and-and then Sam is Reign and after going to Earth X I just,”** you pause to swipe at the tears steadily falling from your eyes, **“I just feel so wrung out. And not even to mention the mess at CatCo. right now, and Snapper is being a-a-a total asshole with deadlines and I’ve been feeling slow and behind for weeks now. I’m sorry I let it get this bad.”** You feel a little bit better by the time you finish your shaky explanation, and Alex looks at you with an expression that means she isn’t disappointed in you, just in herself and your friends. She lets out a shaky breath and moves to sit next to you on her bed.

“Maybe you should tell Lena that you’re not actually upset with her. She’s still here if you want to talk to her. Let me just make sure the Kryptonite from the sedative hasn’t left any of its nasty side effects before you venture out of this room.” With that, Alex heads over to her closet and pulls out one of her many stethoscopes and checks your vitals. Your grateful in that moment that Alex is so overprotective, because it gives you time to dry your cheeks and find some sort of composure.

When she gives the all clear, you slowly open the doors your ears have a chance to adjust to the onslaught of noise that awaits outside the soundproofed room. Curled up on the couch, underneath several blankets lays Lena. In front of her on the coffee table is her tablet with emails opened and paperwork rests, teetering over the edge of the glass. There’s a cup of hot cocoa as well as a tumbler which probably contained Alex’s best scotch at one point. None of that matters though, because Lena is fast asleep, and when you look towards the windows you can see the sun mostly set over the ocean through the buildings of the city. You walk towards the couch on shaky feet. The world still feels a little unsteady around you, as it usually does after these attacks. Gently, you set yourself down on the couch, afraid of waking Lena when she looks like this is the only sleep she’s gotten in the last few days. With that thought, guilt begins to swirl around in your stomach. It just occurred to you that you’re probably the reason for her troubles, first with the Kryptonite and now with your secret identity. Once the thoughts start swimming around, it becomes hard to stop them, so you stand up and start pacing in front of the large windows of the apartment.

She’s probably pissed off that you never told her, and there’s a very good chance that she will hate you, just like Lillian said she would. And Lena has every right to; you kept the majority of your life a secret from your best friend who you just happen to be falling in love with. There is no doubt in your mind that she will resent you for treating her just like another Luthor, even after you said you never would. And you really didn’t mean to. You just felt so betrayed that she felt like she couldn’t tell you when she was even thinking about making some Kryptonite, and honestly, you’re glad that someone you trust has some, in case there is ever another incident with something like Red K. As that thought comes to mind, you think about all the horrible things you’ve said to her as Supergirl, about how you told her she could never feel the pain of losing all the control you have, of the way she would never understand.

**_So stupid Kara. You’re not the only one who has lost their entire family. You don’t deserve any special treatment. It’s been 14 years since your planet exploded, get over it._ **

You realize that its true. You’ve been on Earth longer than you had lived on Krypton. You don’t remember what your fathers voice sounds -sounded- like and now you can barely remember the most sacred of prayers to Rao. The thought of losing Krypton cuts deep, and you feel it in your bones even on your best days. When you look over at the couch, you realize just how much pain you have caused Lena when Lena has gone through just as much, if not more than you in the last couple of years and her pain is more relevant, more fresh, than yours. As you pace back and forth in front of the couch, you are reminded of the time when you and your beloved were kids, and your parents taught you not to belittle what others were feeling.

_“Kara! How dare you try to take away from what Xara-Van is feeling? Is that any way to treat your beloved? I thought we raised you better than that!” Your father shouts at you in your bedroom. You were just trying to explain to Xara that a skinned knee is nothing compared to a broken wrist, that it could be worse. The two of you had been running around the gardens all morning chasing the dragon pups when your beloved tripped and fell. There were no tears, for the Great Houses of Krypton could never show weakness unless they were dying. Xara had simply stood, brushed off her dress and called it an evening. Together, you walked into the House of Van and met your parents in the anteroom to the dining room. Your houses were getting together to celebrate the making of your match. Xara was genetically perfect and mentally capable of keeping up with the House of El. The Codex had decided during the last cycle that the two of you would be a perfect match for your future. For the next six cycles, you and Xara would be taking classes together from some of the council members on appropriate manners and postures for conduct as the highest ranking match._

_The two of you would be expected to take over the council of Argo City someday, and both the current council and your parents were very eager to show the two of you off. As the youngest to enter the Science Guild, you would be expected to follow through on the research of your father and his colleagues, while Xara would be in charge of the recovery and preservation of the history of Krypton as a member of the Archivist Guild._

_But such thoughts were of the future, of your adulthood that was still four revolutions away. Tonight, you are to celebrate, to honor each other, and you have failed. You have made Xara sad, even if it was not by your own hand. You have still caused tears to spring forth, and it is now up to you as her match to fix that, not belittle that. Support must be had between matches, or else you will end up like Astra and Non. A hateful match is not what your parents wish, and it definitely does not sound pleasant, so you take Xara by the hand and lead her into your chambers, hoping the space will allow you to fix your mistakes._

_Words were never your strong suit, as elegance in language was saved for those of the Artist Guild who are writers of history. You’ve always done best with diagrams and the stars. You call upon one of your favorite bedtime stories that your father would tell you when you were little._

_“There once was a man,” you start. You lead Xara over to your window and sit with her on the seat there as you tell the story. “This man was not like the others, for he had a great mind. So great was his mind that he invented many great technologies for his people. They called him the Thinker, for he could think of anything and make it happen. Now this Thinker was a kind man, but, like everybody else, he was only a man. One day, as he was working, a young woman came to ask him a very important question. She said ‘Mr. Thinker, what is it like to be so smart?’ and do you know what he said? He said ‘It is lonely, my dear, for nobody else can keep up with me as I am much smarter than all the people in this land. And why should they try? For they will surely lose themselves in the pursuit of knowledge and be lost forever.’ In reply, the woman asked him if he had ever tried to explain his methods to anybody, in order to be less lonely, and he scoffed in her face. This action would stir up feelings of anger in the young woman, for she was just trying to be kind to an old man, and do you know what she did beloved? She cursed him that he might never find love for his put himself above others. When he realized what had happened, he begged at the feet of the woman for forgiveness, for he had not meant to offend. The woman, who changed form in order to appears as one of the Graces of Rao, looked down at the man on his knees and proclaimed that his forgiveness was futile, that he was to live forever alone. With those words, the Thinker sank into a deep despair, and ceased to create for the rest of his days, in an attempt to humble himself before the Graces. His efforts had now affect, and in the end, he wound up drowning himself in the river Delphi._

_“My love, I tell you this story that you might acknowledge my forgiveness for only thinking of myself and not of you in this time of sorrow. I know they are simply skinned knees, but I wish for you to know that I will forever treat you as my equal from this day forward.” It has taken all your elegance to speak these words, so you fall silent as you look Xara in the eyes, begging for her forgiveness as the Thinker once did to the Graces. When she turns to face you, she smiles and you know all is forgiven, but that you must stay true to your word to treat her as your equal._

You do not realize it, but you sat down on the floor sometime during your memory, so wrapped up in your head that you were unable to judge your weight and now there are small hand prints in the hard wood of Alex’s apartment. You bow your head in memory, hoping to keep Xara with you for as long as possible, but the moment is broken by a shuddering breath coming from the couch.

“That was a beautiful story, Kara, but why did you tell it to me?” Her voice startles you, and your head shoots up from the wall you were unknowingly leaning against.

“It wasn’t meant to be heard. But I suppose that doesn’t make it any less true,” you reply. Even though you are a reporter with a degree in journalism, your words are still not elegant enough for Xara, let alone Lena. You didn’t even mean to talk to yourself, but you realize now that telling the story to someone, regardless of if you were aware of it or not, is helping you to keep the memory of Xara alive. Usually, it is Alex that you tell these stories to, but you suppose it is Rao’s light looking down upon you that Lena heard this memory.

“I told that story to my beloved when we were to be celebrating our match. She had fallen in the courtyard and skinned her knees. Which I suppose isn’t too horrible, but I did a poor job of consoling her. I told her that it could’ve been worse, which is something we were not supposed to think about on Krypton. It was always supposed to be ‘things will get better’ and ‘this is just a small hiccup’ but I made the mistake of making light of the situation. My father scolded me harshly and insisted I apologize. I told Xara that story hoping that she might understand my mistake and forgive me.” Tears slip down your cheeks as you imagine that day, when Xara wrapped you in her arms, tucking your head under her chin as she forgave you.

“Our match was perfect. The Codex couldn’t have made a more perfect match in our lifetime. Not many were as lucky as we were for Xara could understand my moods and my knowledge, even though she did not understand what I would talk about. She knew that I was to be the greatest member of the Science Guild. It was written into the Archive which she studied, but now I am just a failure. I was unable to save Xara. When you came to National City, Lena, I thought you would be the person that Rao had promised me. That’s why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to burden you with my past, and I didn’t want to pain a target on your back. It seems that whomever I choose to date, even as Kara Danvers, they always end up hurt or dead. So I’m sorry Lena, because I should not have kept this from you but I did because I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

When you look up, Lena is angry. The way her brow has narrowed just slightly gives it away, otherwise you wouldn’t be able to tell. You knew she would be, even Lillian had known, and now, you must face the consequences of your secret.

“I just want you to know that I’m not upset that you made the Kryptonite. I’m more upset that you felt like you could not tell anybody, but I accept responsibility for making you feel that way. I should have been a better friend, both as Kara Danvers and as Supergirl. I just want you to know that even though you’re mad at me I will still protect you. I made a promise and I intend to keep it regardless of if you’ll let me or not. I plan on giving you plenty of space, so if or when you’re ever ready, you still have my number. Good bye Lena.” With those words, you turn and head out the door.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I realize that it's been forever since I first posted this story, but my life has kind of been upended so I apologize. However, I'm hoping to write more often now that I have more time on my hands. Also I want all those lovely people who commented last to know that I do read them, but replying is really hard for me, but your comments are much appreciated since I crave feedback on all my writing. 
> 
> That said! I hope y'all enjoy this chapter even though it is kind of depressing.

Alex texts you later that night, well after you’ve gotten home, to see how you’re holding up. As you type out your response you head into the kitchen to make yourself some dinner when there’s a knock on your door. Before you open the door, you make sure you have your glasses on and that your hair isn’t still sticking up from your late afternoon nap. Seeing Sam on the other side of the door is not what you expected, but you let her in regardless. She heads into the kitchen with a bottle of some sort of wine and pulls out two glasses from your cupboard before she turns on you and starts talking.

“Look, Kara. I don’t know what happened between you and Lena, but since she called me in tears I’m going to be honest here. Are you really in the position to be judging Lena for making Kryptonite when it saved me? And can you honestly say that she deserves to be treated like just another _Luthor_ because she saved her friend? What were your ideas huh? Did you even have any for saving me or were you just going to lock me up in a cell? And no-“ when you go to interrupt she holds her hands out, “you don’t get to say that this isn’t about the Kryptonite. Explain.”

It takes you a minute to decide what you want to say, because this is the woman who fought you in the streets and almost killed you on Christmas Eve. Because this is the woman that raised a beautiful daughter who just had to comfort you in Alex’s apartment. This woman, who you would trust with your life, even after you found out that she was Reign. She knows, first hand, the pain of Kryptonite. This woman, who chose to trust instead of hate, but it seems like all you are capable of is fear. Your refusal to trust is coming back to bite you. Your choice of being selfish with your identity. If you had been honest with your friend, she probably would have listened to your explanation of why you hate Kryptonite, but instead, you chose to build another wall between you.

If you chose to trust her with your secret from the beginning, like you wanted to, then this fight wouldn’t even be happening. If only you chose to be one person instead of three, this problem wouldn’t be here. Instead of going to Lena, you are here, blaming Alex and J’onn, and Jeremiah for forcing you to keep a secret. You refuse to acknowledge your humanity and your ability to choose for yourself. You spent half your life, more than half your life, letting people make decisions for you, and now, you’re paying the price. Your inability to choose has led you to living as three different people, and Psi showed you the mental damage, and now you have to figure out who you really are. There is no excuse now for you to keep hiding behind these walls.

Sam has shown you it is possible, and it is time for you to accept what you’ve done in order to begin to make it right. There’s no chance that you and Lena can be friends after this betrayal, not from her no, never from her; your betrayal. Hopefully you can be professional, but first you have to let Lean know that you let your ego, your vulnerabilities, get the best of you. She needs to know how smart she is, she needs to know that she can survive without you. When you leave for good, she needs to know that it is not her fault.

She needs her real friends around her, and from now on, that can’t include you. You will leave, maybe go visit Barry and Team Flash, or even Sara and her Legends on Earth-1 in order to save her the pain of having to deal with the damage your three lives have done to her. You will save her from your own pain, and you will take upon you the crushing weight of love. Because you do love, especially her. She needs to know that you love her, and regardless, she needs to know that you love her even when she makes you afraid, and it is that fear that drove these reactions. The fear that you would never be good enough, with your split personalities and lives. Because Lena only lives one life, and it is the smartest, best life that anybody on Earth could possibly be living.

“Believe it or not, Sam, I’m not actually mad at Lena for making the Kryptonite. I’ve already explained this to her. So you don’t get to come into my home and berate me for things that I have already had to explain away. You do not get to come here and tell me that I am in the wrong. If Lena wants to fight me on this she can, but I have already made my decision. I will treat her like I would treat any other agent of the DEO, like any other police officer whom I help on a daily basis. If she wants to talk, she can come here herself. Now I would appreciate it if you left my home.” With those words, you turn and head back into your bedroom, back into the little nest you built for yourself with a box of cereal and your laptop. You take off your glasses so you can hear every little detail of the city. Turning back to your computer, you pull up Netflix to find some show to fall asleep to and wait for Sam to leave.

It takes a little under three and a half minutes for Sam to figure out that you’re done talking, and another 45 seconds for her to gather her bottle of wine and head out the door. You let out a sigh as the door closes and you superspeed over to lock it, deciding to be done with people for the night. It’s close to midnight and you just want to sleep, but you also know that Xara is going to make an appearance in your dreams, so you turn back to whatever you picked to watch and decide to try and follow the plot somewhat. It doesn’t take long, what with the exhaustion of the afternoon and the interactions with Lena and then Sam, and you fall asleep before your brain can even comprehend what it’s supposed to be watching. For the first time in probably two months, there are no midnight robberies, so you are able to sleep through the night with only the memories of your match day to relive. You’d take the happy memories over the nightmares any day, regardless of if they make you feel more tired than when your night is interrupted.

You wake up with the sun, about six hours of total sleep, where you saw your match day ceremony and lived out your short life with Xara. There is the smell of fresh coffee wafting up your nostrils, despite your body’s inability to use the caffeine as any normal human being. You lay in bed, with your eyes closed and your ears open and hear people getting ready for their days throughout the city. Alex’s heartbeat wanders its way into your ears, and you listen to it for several minutes before she whispers your name.

The walk into your kitchen feels more like a trek, as your muscles scream at you for the panic attack yesterday. The sun hasn’t touched your skin yet this morning, and you are content to feel the ache as you sit in a stool in front of Alex, who pushes a plate of doughnuts your way. You reach past the plate and pull her coffee out of her hand and into yours. The heat coming off the mug seeps into your hands, and you sigh before taking a small sip and handing it back to your sister. Your eye catches on a cinnamon swirl doughnut and you reach for it, taking small nibbles here and there as the two of you sit in silence watching the sun come up over the city scape.

“Do you want to talk about it? Why I got a phone call at two in the morning saying that you kicked Sam out of your apartment?” She asks quietly.

You give a small shake of your head, and you can hear her sigh. Together, the two of you walk over to the couch and sit, cuddling up to each other.

“I’m really worried, Kar. You haven’t had a panic attack like that in forever, and I just want to make sure that you’re really okay,” Alex whispers. “You should’ve told me what you were feeling when it first began, instead of taking it out on Lena. I know how you feel about her, and I know you feel guilty, but I also know that the guilt is only going to mess with your emotions even more. I just want to know how to help you, Kara. You shouldn’t have to do this alone.”

“Nobody can help me, Alex. You know best of all what they say about love: if you love her let her go. I’m letting her go to save her from the pain of my baggage and my poor decisions. Look at how I treated her when she did something that she thought was right, especially when it worked. That’s no way to treat a partner.” Your explanation sounds hollow, even in your own head. You met a superhero, you had her, and you lost her, and now, if it’s meant to be, it’ll be.

**Author's Note:**

> All mistakes are mine, I don't own any of these characters. And also this is not beta read so...  
> I am posting this as a quick 1K ish word one-shot, but I've been expanding on the idea, so if y'all want this as a longer piece lmk.  
> This is only my second work that I'm posting, so constructive comments are appreciated.


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